Conclusion

I think it's time to wrap things up here and move.

Too many selfish mistakes on my part and time to let things go. I'm perpetually become an increasingly bad person by accident and I need to do something about it.

So I am. Petty as it may seem, it has to be done. And I am sorry for causing upset.

Laggard

I spent the very vast majority of my weekend already studying for my final paper, ready to sit the exam in March some time. I figured mid-March.

February 28th, apparently. Shitting hell. That's a lot sooner than I would like.

At one point, I stopped reading the giant text book, to sit down and watch Sherlock. Which was epic - I may or may not have a man-crush on Benedict Cumberbatch.

Frosty

It's cold. I need to get up, get dressed, sort my washing and shave.

Fucking shaving. Why does my face insist on pushing out piano wire so damned frequently?

Push

I should be in a better mood than I currently am, but while I have passed a paper I was convinced hadn't gone so well, it has now dawned on me that the final paper will be seriously hard.

So I don't even get a weekend off before starting. I can sit the paper in March and then in May if unsuccessful, but here's hoping that it's all done soon.

And I am still absurdly tired.

The golden age

I can't sleep.

This is the result of waiting for, well, results. I hate it. I fucking hate it with every fibre of my being and wish one day that I could just sleep and wait until the morning to have my fate revealed to me.

No. Instead the emails are automated and arrive between midnight and some other hour in the morning, usually before midday. Invariably, my mark is emailed to me at an unholy hour. I will have managed about thirty minutes of being asleep, constantly waking to check for new emails.

Then the disappointment of seeing a narrow failure and then sleep can resume.

Only this time, something is a bit different. The email is still not exactly great in timing, but something was missing - where it's meant to say "FAIL" it didn't. Instead, it said "PASS".

Result. One more to go ... and free forever.

Consideration

Recently, my decent leather shoes died on me. Not because they fell apart as such, but because the sole of the left shoe wore through, where I constantly press the clutch in my car to change gear. In fairness, it's taken three years.

Now I wear trainers in the car and swap when I arrive at my destination. Like a woman wearing heels.

So where's this going? Nowhere exciting, but my shoes were in the boot of the car. Upon opening said boot, I saw a long, long tube of Jaffa Cakes that my mum gave me at Christmas. What a bonus. I slipped one of the boxes out of the longer box and shoved into my bag.

Being the generous soul I am, I bought coffee for Simon and myself and proceeded to dish out a box to other people in my department ... before realising that I was only left with two for myself.

Fail.

Wasted daylight

With direct reference to my last entry, I am curious in my own mind as to whether or not knowing that someone very specific and important (to me) could read my blog at any time, will influence the way I post.

There are so many media outlets (social and otherwise) today, that it's almost impossible to completely sever ties with another human, when they might have chosen to be digitally omnipresent.

But then there's the choice of looking or not. Can you really put cake in front of a fat child and say "don't touch"? Not that I would describe my blog as cake and a fat kid as you, but I think the point is clear.

Reading a blog is entirely anonymous, unless a person chooses to comment. While I will never know if someone is still frequenting for sure, I think I know in my heart if they will be.

So will it sway my style and content of posting? Almost certainly.

Which leads to a dilemma. Does this become a corner of the web for me to leave hidden meanings and mystery (quite good already, aren't I?), or do I continue to write inane bullshit that nobody cares for?

Ether

When you know specifically whom your audience may be, it makes blogging tricky at times - especially when you think that something might be misconstrued (unintentionally).

Some things are just plain difficult.

Even when I know that the truth of the matter is such, the reality is that I can hold on to a semblance of hope that as grown adults, of sound mind and matter, we will absolutely talk again.

One day.

Idus Martii

And not a whole lot else to say.

Risk

Ever taken a chance, enjoyed it and then been slapped hard in the face and regretted it? Sure, we all have no doubt. But it's better to take that risk sometimes, as hard as it may seem.

The point of no return was miles back. It has to be the right one this time.